Born 2b me

Walking by the Light of Lisa’s Lantern

20 Dec 2010 14 Comments

by Bruce (born 2b me) in Asperger's, autism, masks, social conditioning, who am I ? Tags: Asperger's, autism, integrity, loneliness, masks, social conditioning, who am I?

This post is actually a response to a question posed by Lisa on Alienhippy’s Blog. She asked us to share about “…the little you that is trapped inside. The one that you would really love to let out but can’t for whatever reason.” For Lisa it is symbolized by her “Shirley.” My response grew too big for a comment, so I thought I would post it here as a post.

Lisa, you really hit on the key here methinks! I have been thinking about who my “Shirley” might be all afternoon while I was out shopping. I have some likely candidates such as a steam locomotive engineer (driver), a medical researcher who offers compassionate care to his patients, or a landscape painter such as Camille Pissarro. But I can think of reasons why these would not have worked. Or perhaps I have left painting so far behind I can’t even imagine resurrecting it, and I am too old to study medicine.

So I go back to when I was not concerned about the opinions of others and I see a preschooler who would go up to the front of the streetcar (tram, trolley) and ask to ring the bell. When the motorman would say so, I would clang the trolley bell to warn cars or pedestrians. I loved being at the front clanging the bell.

Then when on a train I would walk up the aisle handing bits of torn paper to the passengers as their “tickets.” After everyone had a ticket I would go the length of the coach calling out “tickets please” just like the real conductor and I would collect all the bits of paper.

In first grade I was the class clown, doing Charlie Chaplin imitations and getting the kids laughing so hard.

Then my world went dark. 

(Edit (2010/12/22): By “dark” I don’t necessarily mean depression. At first it was a sense of being different in some unnameable way, a bit weird, on the fringes, having ideas and enthusiasms and interests and passions that others did not share, being the creative non-conformist one, unable to connect as well as I would have liked, being told what I did and thought was wrong, etc.. Then in my early teens, over a split-up with a girlfriend, I began a journey into depression. But I did manage to weight-train and win my high school heavy-weight wrestling championship so the depression wasn’t so deep that it stopped me cold. There were definitely periods of time when I was paralysed by depression and I do remember those periods as very dark indeed.)

I remember going to a child psychiatrist at around six or seven years because I was a problem to my mother.

Contrast my little ticket collector with a young man in his teens who would ride in the vestibule at the end of the coach because he could not enter the coach with all those eyes looking at him. And who would not ask a girl out for eight years of his adolescence and young adulthood. And who saw his psychiatrist every Saturday morning at 11:00 am for six of those eight years, knowing something was very wrong with him but having no idea how to fix it. A long dark tunnel indeed.

Nobody knew of Asperger’s then. Nothing could adequately explain my life.

Happily there was light at the end of that tunnel. I married at 32 and am blessed with a lovely family.

But when working as a social worker, while raising my family, I would hide in my office on breaks and at lunch simply because I had absolutely no energy left with which to interact with my colleagues. I absolutely needed the downtime to recuperate. This prompted one of them to label me “The Invisible Worker” (was this a form of adult bullying??).

I can enter a coach now without problem so there has been healing of some sort. I still don’t like crowds or groups of people but I can handle them if absolutely necessary for brief periods of time. I always travel in my own car though because I just don’t like public transit.

But where did that little guy who joyously clanged the trolley bell go?

I began my blog “born 2b me” because I was searching for the real me behind the masks of social conformity. I wanted to meet the me that I was born to be, not the me that society shaped. I think this is why I so relate to your explorations, Lisa, on Alienhippy’s Blog. We seem to be on a similar quest.

After about 4 or 5 posts in July 2010 I gave up. Then I discovered Aspie blogs in August 2010 and had a huge quantum leap in self understanding. Asperger’s seemed to explain all the strange and unusual aspects of my history, in a way that nothing else ever had. So I started posting again at the end of September 2010 about my probable Asperger’s.

But as you say Lisa, it is not Asperger’s that keeps us trapped, it is our own fear of what others will think. How to get over that hurdle is Chapter Two of the saga. I’m glad I have you and other explorers to walk with on that path. I have noticed that since I identified with Asperger’s, I am less concerned about what others will think, and this has been liberating to a degree. I hope this sense of freedom and lessening concern will grow. So I don’t have a simple answer for how to get out of the trap, but I am trusting my ever-increasing understanding of my Asperger’s to help.

But I am still much too concerned. I can agonize over a phrase in a comment or post and find I can be quite tense when writing. But awareness of this is a step in the right direction. And I can get so uptight in some face to face encounters that I am virtually speechless! But I shall keep on keeping on!

Thank you so much Lisa for being such an inspiration. And thank you for all the laughs and giggles. Your willingness and ability to share your journey is a blessing to me and many others. Keep your lantern burning. It gives light to so many others.

(edit:2010/12/22:  ’10 replaced by 2010)