Who makes the “intention” anyway?
23 Jul 2011 8 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, what's it all about?, who am I ? Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, thought loops, what's it all about?, who am I?
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Who actually did make the “intention” that I had trouble acting upon, and who decided to not act upon it? These questions popped up in my Morning Pages today, and they follow on my previous post, Dead Intentions, so I thought I’d share my thoughts:
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“I was up until almost 3:00 am on the internet again. It is now 11:40 am. I feel as though I have been sleeping under too many covers. My brain feels stewed. I don’t know why I do this to myself repeatedly. I think I did have a bit too much caffeine yesterday, and that may have contributed to my late retiring for the night.
I am really annoyed that I am feeling so groggy and stewed brained. I need to put a timer on the computer so I cannot view it beyond 11:00 pm or so.
I feel rather yucky in my stomach but that is because I had three pieces of pizza at supper even though I had decided, on the way home with the pizzas, that I would have only two pieces and then fill up on fruit. I had no room for the fruit. Now (the morning after) my stomach is full of greasy fat from the pizza.
So why do I have desires and make intentions and then ignore them later? I even know I am ignoring or even violating my intention. And then I have regrets later, after the act of ignoring or violating the intention. And it’s not only regrets, it’s self-condemnation and anger directed at myself. I seem to disrespect and even hate myself for these deviations from my good intentions.
So why does this happen, and more importantly how can I stop it and stick to my intentions? This isn’t just procrastinating on my to-do list. This is actually failing to do what I personally want, or what some aspect of me recognizes as “best” for me or others.
It seems like there is another, out of control, aspect of me that rules in the moment, and it drives me to do what the other aspect of me considers wrong. So which aspect of me is right — the one which doesn’t want extra pizza and does want to go to bed at a reasonable time, or the one which ignores these good intentions and does what it pleases in the moment, even when what it pleases is definitely not good for me? Which one is “me?”
Did “I” make the intention to NOT eat three slices or did “I” decide to eat the third slice anyway in spite of the good intentions of the first “I”? I had decided to eat two pieces and fill up on fruit, but I ignored this decision anyway. So who is the real me? The one who decided on two pieces or the one who ate three pieces, or the one who is now angry at “myself” for having eaten three pieces?
Or is there a real “me” at all? Do I have a “self?” Or am I just a product of random bio-chemical processes, looping thoughts, that fluctuate moment by moment? Which “me” is the real “me?”
(emphasis and paragraphing added to my Morning Pages)
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Am I a community of selves – each vying for control or dominance – the kind and gentle one or the one who is impatient and angry? the content and satisfied one or the one who complains and criticizes? the “doer” or the procrastinator? the believer in God or the one who doubts and questions everything? the one who feels united to, and integral with, this magnificent universe or the one who feels alone, isolated and vulnerable?
(This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for about three weeks waiting for my perfectionistic self to let it be published. Tonight “I” decided to rebel and go ahead and publish it anyway. “I” hope that’s alright 
Also, I have checked out Borderline Personality Disorder and I don’t fit that diagnosis. I just mention that because what I wrote above may look similar to BPD)
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So, have you wondered who makes your intentions? Who changes them?
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Thought-looping about death.
10 May 2011 11 Comments
in Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: anxiety, Asperger's, autism, thought loops
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(a story about my loopy mind)
Long-haul trucking
One of my sons, I’ll call him James (but that is not his real name), is training to be a long-haul trucker. He graduated from university with distinction, and could have gone on to graduate studies but chose not to. He worked for a couple of years in an office environment but did not enjoy that. So he quit and enrolled in a trucking school last November. He graduated and got his licence. He so impressed his instructor that he recommended him to two partners, Don and Robert (not real names) who own a small fleet that hauls for a large company. He is now being mentored on the road by these partners.
On a Saturday morning a few weeks ago, I accompanied James to the closest truck-stop where Don was meeting him for a trip from Canada to the southern states in the USA.
Farewell
- truck with “condo” behind cab
James had his backpack, sports bag full of clothes, sleeping bag and several bags of food which he passed up to Don, in the cab of the truck, to put in the sleeper (condo) behind the cab. Then as James was about to climb up into the cab, Don called out over the roaring diesel engine,
“Hey James, say goodbye to your father, you may never see him again!”
Yikes!
My anxieties spiked! My first reaction was, would I live to see my son return? My father died at 64 years of age and I am already 66. I hoped that what Don said was not prophetic! I remember looking at my grey head in the mirror a few years ago, and asking myself, “where have I seen that face before?” The answer that came to me was, “looking up at me from various coffins.” So I knew then that I had entered a new phase of life. My thought loops ensure that consciousness of death is never too far from me.
This was the first time Don had seen me. Was he struck by how old James’ dad looked? Did he think I looked on the verge of death? Did he think I might not be here when James returned? OMGoodness was I frazzled!
But after I got home it came to me that Don may well have been suggesting that James, himself, may not be returning from the trip down south. And my anxieties spiked even further! So, as I am sure you can guess, the thought loops started spinning, and they spun until James returned safely several days later.
Joking
The fact is, Don was undoubtedly kidding or teasing James. He was making a joke. But my brain processed it literally. (sigh). I wonder why?
Safely home
As it turned out, the worst thing that happened was, whilst they slept at a truck stop in a southern state, someone carved obscenities into the paint on the side of the truck.
That was a few weeks ago, and James and I are both still here, and apparently well. And I haven’t been thinking too much about death lately.
Although, as I write, I know James is in his truck up north. He is probably dodging stray moose on a northern Canadian highway, but I won’t let my mind go there!
Try not to think of a moose!!
“Spinning things”
24 Jan 2011 14 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, obsessions, spinning things, steam engines, steam locomotives, thought loops, thought trains
“spinning things” and “parts, not the whole” part 1
When I first started exploring my possible place on the autism spectrum as an Aspie, I would encounter two phrases that I was not familiar with: “spinning things” and “parts, not the whole.” I had no idea what they meant. Then one day the thought of “steam locomotive” caused the light to go on as I recognized how these two phrases may apply to my life. I see them as descriptive of how I often view physical objects, as well as how I often think.
In this post I will discuss “spinning things” which includes thoughts as well. Then in my next post I hope to discuss “parts, not the whole.”
Spinning THINGS:
I was born in 1945, fifteen years before the end of steam locomotives in Canada. I grew up watching the big spinning wheels and reciprocating connecting rods on the steam locomotives that headed up every train. I recall that the large spoked driving wheels and the flashing connecting rods were my main point of focus. That is where my gaze rested as the huge locomotive thundered past, or coasted into the railway station. I paid only a little attention to the rest of the locomotive. All that action on the side where the big wheels were had me mesmerized.
At home I had toy or model trains to play with and I would lie on my side on the floor for hours and gaze at the wheels and connecting rods of my toy engines as they went round and round the oval track in my bedroom or in the recreation room in the basement. My engines actually made smoke and puffing noises in time with the rotating wheels and flashing connecting rods.
Take 55 seconds to see for yourself… turn the sound on..(sound starts at 6 seconds)…..
When I think of my peers, I realize that I had an unusually intense interest in steam locomotives. I knew all the various types and could run my models for hours at a time. When all the steam locomotives were replaced by diesels, I lost my interest in railways. The diesels always seemed like moving boxes with no action to watch.
And there were tops. Some even hummed.
However, I could draw from memory an entire steam locomotive in astonishing detail, down to bolts, rivets, builder’s plate, etc.. At some level I was absorbing the whole. I am able to see the whole, or the big picture. I just get very fascinated by the spinning bits. I spent several hours last night viewing steam locomotives on YouTube, often watching the same one repeatedly if it showed the spinning wheels and connecting rods!
Spinning THOUGHTS:
I have the habit of creating worlds in my mind that can keep me occupied for hours. Sometimes these scenarios are replays of actual social encounters and sometimes they are pure fiction inspired by something on a screen or just totally made up by me. I play the scenes over and over, often making subtle changes to effect a more pleasing outcome. I think I do this because these made-up encounters are almost always more enjoyable than those of my real life.
And then there are the purely negative thought loops that I know I should abandon but often I just don’t seem able to let go. It is almost as if there is a tendency to self-sabotage, or a reluctance to give up my “right” to be angry, depressed, sad, annoyed, etc., even though I know at some level that these thought loops are spoiling my day and my life, and possibly even turning me away from relationships.
My “worry or planning” thought loops go round and round exploring every conceivable outcome that may occur. I was particularly vulnerable to this when I was a child protection social worker. I would lie awake at three in the morning trying to figure out how best to help a child. I would get only three hours sleep per night. This was not sustainable, and I wrote about it here and here.
My spinning thoughts often still keep me awake at night. I have some success in stopping them by doing one or more of the following: praying, saying the Jesus Prayer, meditating, watching my breath, doing deep relaxation exercises, or reading. Listening to music may also work.
Conclusion:
My mind is fascinated by spinning things and occupied by thoughts that go round and round over the same issue with minor variations. I am learning to replace negative thoughts by positive ones, and to stop or redirect the thought loops, but it is, for me, a struggle that requires constant vigilance.
I am a beginner in my explorations of the Aspie/autie spectrum so I may have misinterpreted or misapplied the idea of spinning things. I learn a lot by reading comments here, and from posts and comments on friends’ blogs. So as usual I invite your comments.
In my next post I hope to write about my experiences with “parts, not the whole.”
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