Walking my Dogs

Nellie McKay sings, “The Dog Song.” This is a very catchy tune which I am sure you will love even if you don’t have a dog. I was walking my dogs today with this tune running through my mind, so I thought I’d post it to share with everyone. Enjoy!

Lessons from comments on previous post.

I had my first Photoshop lesson. It was about ...

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But first a poem I wrote:

Freedom!

I was a beached hull

all grounded and dry

now like a seagull

I rise up and fly!

 

 

From all the comments on my previous post, “She Sure Picked the Wrong Guy,” I gleaned some valuable lessons which I hope to put into practice:  

Lesson 1: Be kind to myself:

My chit-chat was not as bad as I had thought. Bbsmum and Angel seemed to think it was handled well enough. This is actually a recurring theme in my life. I devalue or underestimate my own performance and then hear from others that it was adequate (or sometimes even outstanding). I would have given my chit-chat about a 20%-30% grade, but I get the impression that it seems to be at least passable so that would make it a 50-60%. 

If I could stop putting myself down or devaluing my contributions, and if I could rate my performance as “acceptable,” then I am sure I would be less fearful and anxious about attempting things. So the lesson here is: don’t be so hard on myself! Stop putting myself down. Be kind to myself.

Lesson 2: Don’t blame myself:

I have a tendency to blame myself, or take responsibility, for whatever is going on. I attributed the woman’s erratic departure to my poor chit-chat skills. But Diane made me aware that the behaviours of other people may have nothing at all to do with me. With this insight, I could then see that the woman’s zigzagging departure could easily have been due to her trying to locate the department in the store that she wanted to visit next, whilst being unsure as to its exact location. In other words, what I saw was the woman seeking her next destination. I, thinking she was flummoxed by my poor chit-chat, took the blame for her erratic behaviour on myself. The lesson here is for me to remember to assign responsibility for the behaviour of others to those others, and to stop automatically assuming it is always my fault.

Lesson 3: Trust:

More than one person commenting said they could relate to the notion of anxiety. I have a tendency to worry way too much, and I suffer from chronic anxieties that drive my mind into all kinds of unproductive excursions of fantasy.  I easily imagine disasters are immanent. This keeps me in a chronic state of high alert which leaves me exhausted. And I put a negative interpretation on almost all unfolding occurrences. In the bookstore venture I automatically assumed the woman must be distressed by my actions. However, I now see her behaviour as indicative of someone seeking something whilst being unsure of its exact location. Nothing to do with me and certainly no need for worry or anxiety. So the lesson here is: let go of the worry and see things in a positive light. In other words: trust.

Lesson 4: Take risks:

This post sat in my draft folder for several weeks. I seemed to be in a state of paralysis, having difficulty writing posts or comments. It all seemed too stressful and exhausting. Often when I tried commenting I found myself trashing my efforts before posting the comment. And the night after posting “She sure picked the wrong guy” I found myself waking up a few times feeling very warm and anxious. If I had gotten any warmer I would have broken out in a sweat. I have no idea why this was happening as my thoughts provided me with no explanation, but I know it was related to the post. I was determined to trash the post once I got up. However, when I turned on my computer I saw some more friendly, helpful comments had been added and I realized yet again that people in Aspie Bloggyland can be trusted. It is safe to reveal my inner workings here. I learned this lesson before with my post, “Sudden jerking of arms and yelling,” which I risked publishing even though I had never told a single person on the planet about this “secret,” and it was well and kindly received in Aspie Bloggyland. So not only did I learn what may be behind my sudden jerking of arms and yelling, I also learned that my Bloggyland friends can be trusted.

Lesson 5: Don’t forget my lessons:

When I look at these lessons I realize that at different times in my life I have seen them before. It seems to take a lot of repetition before a lesson sticks. The lessons from “Sudden jerking of arms…” seemed to have evaporated from my mind when I was in a panic over “She sure picked….” I am hoping to remember to review this post from time to time so the lessons will remain fresh. My chances of actually applying them should then increase.

Lesson 6: Practice:

Clay suggested that I practice my chit-chat skills. I resisted the suggestion due to the stress involved, but I recognize the wisdom in the suggestion. After all, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!

Conclusion:

I am very grateful to have this safe place here in Aspie Bloggyland in which I can talk about things on my mind and receive good advice and friendly support from people who can relate. Blogging what is on my mind is certainly worth the risk. The payoff is liberation!

P.S. If you commented on my last post and you weren’t specifically mentioned here by name, please rest assured that I really do appreciate your comment, I just wasn’t able to weave everything into the fabric of this post. I am very grateful to all who have commented since I began this blog.

Words divide; Love unites.

I haven’t posted for a while so I thought I’d copy/paste one from my other, mostly inactive, blog. This was published there on May 25, 2010. It is primarily about religion, but applies to any groupings or divisions shaped and defined by words, such as ethnic, racial or political differences, sexual orientation, beliefs about educational philosophies, child rearing, debates about global warming, conservation, etc.. We are all in this mysterious thing called life. We need to pull together. Let’s let Love prevail.

Here’s my old post (slightly modified):

I have heard that there are well over two thousand Christian denominations and countless divisions in other religions too. And I ask what causes the divisions? Both within and between religions? Words. That’s it. Just words. And they are man-made words. Words thought up by (mostly) men. Human ideas about how it should be. People’s ideas about how they have it right and everyone else has it wrong.

These words cause “us-and-them” groupings and divisions. People gather around one set of words and take comfort in the false certainty that their words are “right” and others’ words are wrong, or at least mostly wrong. Then they get puffed up with pride in their superiority and feel they must defend and assert their “words” even at the cost of shunning the “others”, or even killing them. See the Inquisition, witch-burning, pogroms, suicide bombings, communist re-education camps,the KKK, the Holocaust, Rwanda,… just for starters. 

But words are just symbols. They just stand for reality. They are not reality. The map is not the territory. Reality doesn’t change. Words do. We used to describe the world as flat. Everyone believed that. Now we describe it as a sphere, a ball. The world hasn’t changed but our words about it, and our beliefs, have changed a lot.

I can count on reality but I can’t count on words. Words are useful to the extent that they provide a predictive model that helps me prepare for what is coming next. But in the history of humankind the models have always required updating and improving as our understanding grew. Clinging to a model and defending it with one’s life betrays a lack of understanding of the tentativeness of models. Even worse is defending it by taking the lives of others.

There is an analogy from the East:  words, dogmas, doctrines, beliefs, creeds, are seen as a finger pointing to the moon. The moon is Love. It’s the moon that matters. It’s the moon that is the object worthy of attention. It would be silly to stare at the finger (words), polish its nail, put a ring on it, worship it… all the while failing to notice the moon (Love)!

Now suppose there are six, eight or ten of us standing in a circle at night. We are each pointing a finger at the moon and at the same time we are each gnawing on our neighbour’s finger trying to destroy it, while at the same time trying to protect our own finger from the teeth of our other neighbour. Nobody has time to look at the moon (Love)!

Fingers (words, beliefs) will all age, wither and die. 

Only the moon (Love) will remain!

Words, dogmas, doctrines , beliefs, creeds, will all age, wither and die (how many revisions have there been down through history?). Only Love will remain. Only Love is a constant.

And so with gratitude I will focus on Love. I will practice returning in gratefulness to Love whenever I wander or deviate from the path.

Love is a fire. May my divisive words be consumed by the fire of Love.

May Love abound. May Love flourish. May only Love remain.

May all beings everywhere be filled with Love.

  

I did a follow-up post later called “Bent fingers, Blind eyes.” It was about corrupt or misleading beliefs (crooked fingers) and about some people’s inability (blind eyes) to put even good beliefs into practice (inability to see the moon or Love). But perhaps that’s a post for another day.  ;)

I hope this post isn’t divisive. I hope it fosters unification in Love. Let me know what you think.

Gratitude

Today I thought I would modify a post I did on my other blog last April, and copy it here:

I awoke this morning. Not everyone did.

I opened my eyes and found I could see. Not everyone can. 

I heard the fan humming. Not everyone can hear. 

I wanted to get up – so I did! Not everyone can do that.  

I can walk, think, talk, write. Not everyone can.

There is no shortage of things for which I can be grateful, if only I stop and think about it.

I was given the  gift of life for a new day. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. There is nothing that can be done. It is always a gift.

Life itself is a pure gift. For too long I have taken these  basics for granted, as if I were somehow entitled to them. They were always there so I assumed I had a right to them. How arrogant of me.

I wake up to discover that I am still breathing, still pulsing. Someday I won’t.

I wake up to discover that I can see, hear, get up!  Someday I won’t.

Each and every moment is a gift. Every breath is a gift. I don’t have to think “now breathe a deep one, now breathe a shallow one”. My breathing just happens. Same with my pulse. My heart just beats without direction from me.

If I am looking for something to be thankful for, I need look no farther than my breath and my pulse.

I did not build this body/mind which I call mine. Nor do I know how to keep it going. I am the beneficiary of something or someone far greater than I.

And so I am grateful to our Creator and Sustainer (or, if you prefer, the Universe, Life, the Absolute, etc.) for all these many gifts.

I will live with joy in this body of mine, and experience these many good gifts for what they really are: pure gifts.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the Lord sustains me.” Psalm 3:5 nrsv

Gratitude: there is no shortage of things for which I can be grateful if only I stop and think. Often in my posts I am focussing on difficulties I experienced, but I am basically so much happier than I have been in a long time. This I credit to the Aspie/autie community helping me to understand who I am and why my life unfolded as it did. It is such a relief to be home!

Some Good Questions

On this blog I hope to explore just how much of me is authentic, genuine, real, and how much is the result of social conditioning, programming, and religious or political indoctrination.

Who am I ? That’s a good question. I am often convinced that I know the answer, only to find out shortly thereafter that I don’t know.

Is there a “god”? Integral to this search will be an exploration of whether or not there is a “god” and, if there is one, what his/her nature may be like. Part of that will be an examination of whether or not prayer “works” and if so in what way and for whom.

Where do I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? I anticipate looking at these questions as part of my search for who I am.

Of what does my “core” consist? Is there at my core a “Basic Goodness” as the Shambhala Buddhists teach? Is there “That which is of God in every (hu)man” as the Quakers claim? Is there a line separating good from evil running through my heart as Solzhenitsyn believed? Am I the temple of the Holy Spirit as St. Paul proclaimed? Is my heart of hearts good, or, as Calvin taught, totally depraved? Will something survive death?

Can words ever capture or describe reality? If not, then this whole blog will be just noise – a very real possibility!

Will you join me in my search for “me”? Please comment on my posts. I welcome, and I am sure I will benefit from, your criticisms, comments, knowledge, suggestions, wisdom, experience.

I make no claim to “know” anything so please don’t let anything I may say spoil your own faith. What I write is just “opinion”. Take it as such. I may change my opinions almost daily! That has been my habit.

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