Born 2b me

Normal “success,” internalized.

24 Jul 2011 14 Comments

by Bruce (born 2b me) in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, social conditioning Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, social conditioning

Social Conditioning

My parents (and teachers) expected, and pressured, me to succeed at a high level in the world of business or in a profession. I adopted that goal as a child. As a teen I was already drifting away from it, and by twenty (in 1965) I had completely abandoned any desire to succeed in the corporate world. Only a weak desire to pursue a profession remained. Instead, my goal was to build a sailboat, sail around the world, and then build a log home in the country where I would live happily ever after with the girl I would meet whilst sailing This change of plans came about because I had become very uncomfortable trying to fit into “normal” society and so wanted an alternative.

(btw, I met the girl before setting sail, and went straight to building the house in the country where we are still living happily thirty-four years later, and vicariously enjoying the adventures of our four adult kids and two grandkids).

Deeply ingrained “norm”

Nevertheless, that deeply programmed goal to be a success by “normal” standards kept nagging me in the back of my mind all the time. This meant that even if what I did was a spectacular success (such as designing and building my house,  or publishing my Master’s thesis, or getting my paintings into art galleries), deep down I was still a failure in my own eyes. That nagging voice would tell me, “yes, but it isn’t at all like being a corporate CEO is it?”

My “abnormal” successes were devalued

I felt a failure because what I saw as my “own” success wasn’t really on the radar of “successful normal people” (who value making a lot of money and living in a mansion, becoming CEO of a bank, or being elected to public office, etc..) In fact, it seems that many neurotypical folk consider what I did as beneath their understanding and rather trivial. They don’t see the point. Neither did my own internal nagging voice, which kept reminding me that I didn’t make the grade.

Praise for my “normal” successes did not satisfy me

There were times when my job performance garnered much praise from employers. But these “rewards” were not truly satisfying to me because they were not directed at the real me, but rather at the actor whom I had become in order to try to “fit” in mainstream society. In short time I would tire of the sell-out of my soul, and I would run out of energy, and leave the position to go in search of the real me.

Using my autistic gifts

In designing/building, painting, and publishing, I was utilizing my own creative and intellectual talents. I may well not have had many of these talents if I weren’t Aspie/autie. So my very nature, autistic, seemed to me to be devalued by mainstream society. And hence I felt devalued also.

The exclusion of autism

And my other aspects of being autistic, such as being uncomfortable in groups, missing nonverbal cues, being repelled by bright lights and noise, needing time to think through a response, etc., — well, these cause me to  avoid mainstream society, and seem to cause mainstreamers to think I’m weird  and ought to be excluded in some way, or ignored.

Wanting to be accepted

So I wanted to be accepted, but the only standard I knew was that of mainstream, neurotypical society. And so I felt that I was a “failure” because I didn’t fit in there. I didn’t know that there were good reason for that. But now I understand why…

Coming home

Since realizing my Aspieness last year at
age sixty-five, I am rapidly weaning myself away from caring at all
about being “successful” in the eyes of normal society.

Now that I understand my Aspie/autie nature, I have finally found reason to give that nagging voice, which all these years accused me of failing because I wasn’t a CEO, a very swift boot  out the back door of my mind.

Freedom

I will live what’s left of my life on my own terms.*
And I will judge my success by my own internal standards –
did I design a good house? Yes. Then, YAY for ME!!

And YAY! for all of us beautiful Aspie/auties!

And YAY! for each of our accomplishments, whether large or small. We can be proud of them all!

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*Being retired means I don’t have to cope with the workplace, or seek employment, or try to fit in with my fellow students, or find a life partner, or meet with school officials, or any of the other challenges facing younger people. So it’s a lot easier for me to say I’m not going to concern myself with what “they” think. But I would hope, if I had my life to live over, that I would really be a lot less concerned than I was! And that I would let my gifts lead me on the best path for me. I think I would have a much better chance of being true to myself now that I am aware of my Asperger’s/autism.

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This post was inspired by thoughty autie’s posts, “On being myself” and “Unfixing”, and by Laura’s post, “You are the first one to hear what you say.” and by Grayson’s post, “Breakthrough,” and by the comments on those posts, and by many, many other posts/comments I have read over the past eleven months as well. My “Thanks” to all of you! 

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Edit: This post was revised on July 28, 2011.

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