Dead Intentions
21 Jun 2011 33 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, intentions, regrets.
- Cemetery, Stillborn Section.
So many good intentions not acted upon are now lying in rows in the graveyard of my will, never to see action. Perhaps some will be resurrected but their time will be past, and their timing off. Why do I have this tendency to not act on my intentions?
The following is straight out of my Morning Pages of today (I removed names). Morning Pages are an exercise in stream of consciousness writing. I found it in The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. One keeps the pen moving and just lets the words flow. I write three pages longhand (cursive) in a spiral bound notebook upon arising each morning.
So I got hooked on Aspie videos on YouTube again last night in spite of my intention to be in bed by midnight. I was up until almost 3:00 am! Is this poor executive functioning? I notice (name) in (blog) needs help from others with reminders to tidy the apartment and to take a shower. Maybe I shouldn’t be down on myself for my apparent difficulty with following through on my intentions. Intention is something that interests me because I have noticed that my intentions easily get forgotten is I get sidetracked on the internet or in daydreaming. It can be difficult for me to follow through on my good intentions. For instance I still have a “get well” card I purchased for (a neighbour) last February but never got around to mailing. Part of the difficulty is fear of failure I would suspect. I have had so many rejections and “failures to please” that I am hesitant to do anything even as simple as sending a card. I am frozen by perfectionism and the measure of “perfect” isn’t my own internal standard — it is the unknown standard of others, a standard that appears to me to shift and is very baffling — an apparently moving target whose mysterious motions are not controlled by me.
My pen has stopped so I must get it moving again or I will be lost in a daydream. Lost in daydreams is where I spend a lot of time. But here I am back writing so I escaped that one! Perhaps because I am writing of my tendency to avoid tasks I am more aware of that tendency and caught it in action just now. I am good at spontaneously going for a drive, but that feels so good and like such a relief because in my car, my privacy capsule, I cannot do any of my list of good intentions. I am relieved of my responsibilities and I can enjoy the moment. Hence I often find a drive through the countryside to be actually energizing, whereas sitting in my house can be very draining due to all the backlog of things I should be doing but can’t get myself going on.
I think this speaks to my struggles with posting and commenting as well.
So does anyone else have good intentions not acted upon? Is this an Aspie/autie issue or just a problem I need to fix?
photo: ConanTheLibrarian via Flickr.
Jun 21, 2011 @ 16:06:03
I too get lost in intentions. I feel ashamed when my friend asks me why I haven’t got phone calls made or errands done. I don’t know where the time went and I’ve been in a fog distracted by my own thoughts or obsessions on topics. I start off meaning to do research on something and end up hours later on some totally different subject. It’s a miracle that I get anything done at all.
Jun 21, 2011 @ 16:45:53
Hello agear69,
Thanks for commenting and for “liking” this post.
What you have described here in your comment is so familiar to me!
You could have been talking about me.
I’m glad I’m not alone
Jun 21, 2011 @ 19:14:24
Bruce, Wow!
This goes right along with what I am dealing with as well. All of my distractions have made me get so sidetracked and off. My house feels like it is closing in on me! Since I have finally faced some of my loops causing me to be fixated, I have felt the need to reorganize my home life too. So I am cleaning house in my brain and in my home.
It is still hard to stay focused, I was only able to finish two closets today.
I am working on finding my balance with all of this stuff. It is some hard work!
You are definitely not alone.
Many blessings and a whole bunch of smiles too.
Angel
Jun 21, 2011 @ 20:09:10
OMGoodness Angel! Two closets! I have been struggling for months, if not years, to find the surface of my desk. I will have to get really determined and just pick up a shovel and chuck all the clutter
House cleaning in my brain might be a good place to start, too.
I’m glad I’m not alone, and it is very encouraging to see that you are making such progress. Thanks for letting me know.
Blessings and hugs to you and all your family,
Bruce
Jun 22, 2011 @ 04:58:40
You seem to be describing me. My life feels like the surface of my desk, now that you mentioned yours. So much to be done, so many intentions, so little being done at all, and the heaps are getting higher.
I told my husband just last night that I love getting into bed – knowing that the only thing I should do right then is go to sleep. Such a relief actually doing something and not just thinking about it.
I am stuck today, just rocking/stimming and feeling totally overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to be done.
Jun 22, 2011 @ 14:10:59
Hello Cecile,
I wish I had the magic formula that would solve the problem for both of us, but I have struggled with this issue for 66 years. One thing that I have found is that I do seem able to pursue a special interest. If something really grabs my attention and fascinates me I can summon the energy to do it. But this is at the expense of the usual daily chores. For example I can watch YouTube videos on Asperger’s or steam locomotives until three in the morning, but then I wake up behind schedule and can’t get the things done that I had planned to do in the day.
I get bogged down with the daily routine because I don’t stay on top of it. I prefer to escape into daydreams or pursue that fascinating special interest.
I have noticed that I feel much better if I can just get up and moving, such as walking the dogs or doing some exercises. This improves my mood and increases the chances that I will tackle a chore. Also just making a start, such as vacuuming the inside of the car even if I don’t get to wash the outside, gives me a sense of accomplishment and the satisfaction that I am making progress. Small things do eventually add up.
When I was young I would have no difficulty at all tuning, cleaning, or repairing my motorcycle because that was a true special interest for me and it gave me lots of enjoyment riding it on trips with my friends. Motorcycling doesn’t involve much conversation so it was a good fit for me!
But during this same time period, I had a lot of trouble keeping up with my work at university and ended up dropping out for a few years.
“They” say that “accountability” to another can be helpful. So if you are in agreement, I’ll make a commitment to you to clear the papers from the left-hand side of my desk by tomorrow afternoon my time. That should take between ten and sixty minutes, depending on what I find in the pile – there may be papers that require some kind of action. That way I will have made a start. If you’d like you could make a similar commitment to me to do some ten to sixty minute task. My guess is that if the tasks are small enough to not be daunting, then this would help get us moving, and the momentum may build. Let me know if this approach appeals at all. We could try it for a day and then extend it day by day if you’d like.
I guess perhaps the best help I can offer is to let you know you are not alone, and to encourage both of us to be kind to ourselves and accept that we have these brains that are wired differently and allow ourselves to feel good about that, and enjoy the journey.
Jun 22, 2011 @ 15:32:38
Bruce, what a kind offer, I really appreciate it. Can I come back to you tomorrow afternoon my time with a commitment? I have to accompany my daughter on a school outing tomorrow morning, and I am very very nervous about it. It is unfamiliar terrain and a huge break in my routine, causing a lot of stress.
But I would like this accountability, I will think of something and come and tell you!
And I hear you on getting up and moving. I am not doing much right now – it is flu season and I struggle with asthma – and the lack of exercise and physical work is having a detrimental effect on my mood and energy and motivation.
Bedtime for me now, hope I can switch off the frantic thoughts.
Jun 22, 2011 @ 17:03:22
Hi Cecile,
I’m glad you like the idea. I look forward to it.
I hope you can manage a break, or two, to recharge on the outing. I can appreciate the stress!
I wish you well in switching off the thoughts.
“See” you tomorrow.
Jun 22, 2011 @ 23:48:10
Ah, I want to reply to every bit of this, but I’m already up past the time I had hoped to be in bed. I realize how this sounds considering this post is about trouble following through with intentions, but I WILL respond to this one
Jun 23, 2011 @ 00:39:12
I suspect that by choosing to go to bed now, rather than getting sidetracked on the internet, you are actually following through quite well!
Which reminds me, I’m also up past my intended bedtime….. oops
Jun 23, 2011 @ 14:24:30
Hello Cecile,
Wow! It worked! The left side of my desk is clear. I can see the flat surface. It used to be so piled high with sloping papers that my glasses would slide off onto the floor. I actually stepped on them and bent the frame once. Now I can safely place them on the clear, flat desk.
The process was interesting to me. I would notice the mess to my left but I would keep on surfing the internet. Finally, at 9:04 pm yesterday evening, I realized I *must* clear it if I am to keep my commitment to Cecile, and so I began. It took about forty minutes to clear and I felt a real sense of accomplishment when I saw that flat surface of about two square feet. I would call it a 100% success.
Before this experiment, I had felt that I must clear the clutter from the entire room in order to succeed. And that task was so daunting that I would always put it off. But by making a commitment to clear only a manageable area I was able to do that, and feel that I had succeeded one hundred percent. When the entire room was my goal, I would have felt that clearing “only” the left side of my desk was a success rate of merely one percent or so.
One percent is not much of a success, and not much of a motivator to continue. But with the goal to clear just the left side of the desk, then I achieved one hundred percent success. This left me with a sense of accomplishment and great satisfaction.
My guess is that one shouldn’t fuss too long over what task to commit to. The goal isn’t to do something worthy of a Nobel Prize, the goal is simply to get moving. So any nearby task, manageable in ten to thirty or forty minutes will do. And when that is done, one will have a true sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I would guess that the momentum will build from there.
So my next goal? Clear the papers off the top of my scanner.
Thank you Cecile for helping me get moving!
Jun 23, 2011 @ 19:20:28
Interesting posts Bruce! I used to be the organized one, but lately my mind has been going too many directions to accomplish some things I would like to get done and while I’m not an Aspie, my daughter certainly gets some of her traits from me. However, she is very organized and focused, so maybe I have just been in overload lately between the things going on with my brother, my daughter moving to on-line schooling and dealing with this back injury.
I wonder if there are two sides to the Aspie coin though. I have noticed some of my Aspie blogging friends seem to have two speeds, super intense and accomplishing more than the average human or overloaded to the point of almost shutting down. I am not sure why.
Jun 23, 2011 @ 23:00:59
Hello Sue,
Yes I have noticed in myself, and read on some other blogs, that we Aspies can go in spurts. Not just aspie/auties of course – bipolar people too, and others. I think I have a tendency, when feeling energized, to over extend myself and then I crash while I recuperate. I don’t know if this is Asperger’s or ME/CFS or both. I suspect both account for the crash after over doing things.
I think procrastinating and avoiding can put me in a position of overload also, with my mind scattered in many directions, as you say, and this makes it even more difficult to get anything done.
I was able to design and build my house, and do paintings. But these were “special interests.” And I was the judge of whether or not my efforts were a success.
When I was at university I would put off term papers until the night before they were due, and then stay up all night. I suspect perfectionism and fear of failure played a role here. And the “judging” of my efforts was of course out of my hands.
Thanks for stopping by and for your thought-provoking comment.
Blessings to you and everyone in your family,
Bruce
Jun 24, 2011 @ 07:57:44
Wow Bruce, I am going through this right now and I come to your blog and see this post!
I have so many intentions rolling around in my head. And then spend hours on something totally different. Hours upon hours. Oh well.
Here is an article I read earlier this year that I hope helps:
“Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges”
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/
-Isabel
Jun 24, 2011 @ 10:16:34
Hi Isabel!
So good to see you here. I have been thinking of emailing you to see how you are doing because I have been missing your comments on the various blogs. But as you can tell from my post I have difficulty acting on my good intentions at times.
Thanks for the link to the NYT article. It looks like it might be just what I need. I’ll check it out in detail later as right now I’m getting ready to travel 300 miles to see my eldest daughter and her family. I’ll be travelling with two of my kids.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I am really happy to see you again!
Blessings,
Bruce
Jun 25, 2011 @ 15:27:55
Congrats on your desk success – it is not a small thing – you set a goal and reached it!
Sorry for not coming back sooner, things are a bit hectic here. I am leaving tomorrow with the kids to go to my parents for 2 weeks, so there is a lot of packing and cleaning and stuff to do. And the transition to cope with. I love going there, but I don’t like leaving home.
Enjoy your travels!
Jun 28, 2011 @ 13:34:34
Hi Cecile,
Yes it is a good feeling to reach a goal. I’m glad I set a small one that was attainable.
And I actually did get my scanner cleared as well, but things have slowed down drastically as I recuperate from my travels.
Have fun on your trip to your parents!
Jun 25, 2011 @ 17:25:47
Hello lovely Bruce,
I ABSOLUTELY get this. I get SO lost in my flow activities I forget everything.
I have started writing down the time I start and finish because I feel like I have been somewhere else and sometimes it feels like I have been gone for days.
Also…I LOVE LOVE LOVE going for a drive on my own.
It’s a switch off, but NOT a total one. Just enough to feel free.
I get the card thing too. I have had people fall out with me because I have sent them late. But what I have realised is those who love me and accept me I haven’t got a problem with getting them done on time. So it’s a fear thing again.
The perfection of others, forced onto self. It’s with those I know I can’t be myself with, those who push everyone to meet standards that no one can actually meet.
It upset me at first, but now I just get on with it.
If they are going to fall out with me over something so small, then that relationship is NOT going to be good for me anyway.
Great post Bruce it really made me think.
Love and hugs my dear friend.
Lisa. xx
Jun 28, 2011 @ 22:07:46
Hello lovely Lisa,
That’s a great idea, to write down when you start and finish something.
I had been trying to reply to comments all day yesterday but I got sidetracked on YouTube!
Perhaps recording start and finish times would keep me more mindful of what I am doing.
But really I know I just needed to rest yesterday.
Watching YouTube is pretty passive and doesn’t require much energy, whereas replying to comments needs energy to think and type. I just didn’t have the energy after my 300 mile trip which involved socializing much more than I am accustomed to.
I needed, and still need, to recuperate.
Good point about some relationships not being good for us anyway, so let them go.
Thanks for stopping by. I always love to see your comments.
Blessings, love and hugs,
Bruce
Jun 26, 2011 @ 06:58:02
Hi Bruce, i’ve just found your blog, i find it fascinating that you have CFS as well as AS, i do too! I’m certain i developed it (about 1983) from trying too hard to be ‘normal’. I’d never heard of AS then of course, i just knew i was ‘different’.
Re the ‘executive dysfunction’ problems (ie things in a mess, good intentions not carried through, etc), i’ve found the best thing to be a ‘to-do’ list, which i write on a whiteboard. It takes a fair amount of discipline to stick to the list, and not get sidetracked (though i do sometimes), and sometimes i end up doing them late at night, but it’s worth it to know that things i’ve been procrastinating about forever will finally get done. I get to feel less ‘stuck’ in my life, and less ‘useless’.
And re your troubles with staying with others, i so know what you mean. It’s not them, it’s just being away from my own space, out of my own routines, and having to interact with others all the time. Not to mention anxiety about whether i can cope physically, on account of the CFS. It’s nice to know that someone else knows what that is like.
Jun 28, 2011 @ 22:51:11
Hello kiwigirl,
Yes I was diagnosed with CFS/ME in 1993 but I was going down hill for a while before that, probably since the mid ’80′s. At first my doctor couldn’t decide between burnout or CFS, but after a year, when I hadn’t recovered, he settled on CFS/ME. I wondered at one point, when I heard of Midlife Autistic Burnout, if the CFS/ME had been a misdiagnosis. But now that Rachel is feeling recovered after two years from her MAB, and I am not recovered after a couple of decades, I am content with the CFS/ME diagnosis.
When I look back on my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood, I can see so many obviously Aspie characteristics that I know I would have been diagnosed as a child had they known of it then.
So did the accumulated stress of trying to fit in for five decades leave me vulnerable to illness? I suspect so. And the stress of child protection social work, especially for this Aspie, put the icing on the cake!
I had a discussion with a fellow person with CFS and AS in the comments of this post:
http://born2bme.wordpress.com/2010/10/24/burnout-a-note-to-a-friend/
Perhaps you might find it interesting and may want to add something (no pressure, just if you want to).
I do have to-do lists but I so easily get distracted by daydreams, or pursuing my interests, that I forget to look at them! So now I am attempting to regain some control by picking just one task per day, and getting that done. If I can master that, then I will expand to two tasks, and eventually I may even be able to handle my to-do list.
Yes the CFS/ME certainly does further complicate attempts at socializing, as it makes it even easier to get totally drained so quickly.
I read a handful of your posts on your blog and thoroughly enjoyed your writing, so I hope to return there for more visits. Thanks for stopping by here and commenting. It is nice to know someone else knows what it is like to have the limitations of CFS on top of AS.
Blessings to you,
Bruce
Jul 02, 2011 @ 18:18:43
You know what’s interesting to me, reading this…I’ve been sick MUCH less often since I started looking to be diagnosed with Asperger’s. Maybe I’m imagining it or I’ve got a confirmation bias for this being the case, but I think that accepting the reality of it has given me good reason to take better care of myself, besides doing away with a lot of internal psychic conflict and tension. I have had some moments of mental freezing, going into a big project or something and thinking “wait! Can I actually do this?!” and having to stop and remind myself, “yes, you can, you’ve done this before” and exactly why it is that I think I’m capable of it. So that’s what I’m coping with right now. But it’s been really helpful to read about other people’s experiences with midlife burnout…before I was diagnosed, before I’d ever read or heard anyone else talk about it, I’d wondered if it was possible, and even thought I was probably heading for it, I had driven myself so hard. It’s so helpful to know that yes, it exists, and that knowing the danger when I’m this young, I can even hope to avoid it.
Jul 03, 2011 @ 14:33:38
Yes, I find I have given myself permission to take much better care of myself, such as taking breaks from social commitments, avoiding over stimulation from noise and lights, etc.. And I can now do that without the former guilt and shame that would plague me before I recognized that I am on the spectrum. So I get a double reduction in stress
I like your idea of the reminders that “I can do that,” I’ll try to remember to employ some self-coaching like that.
And I think if I knew then (when I was young) what I know now, I would have managed my life in a way that would have greatly reduced my stress levels and the negative impacts of being overstressed. At least I wouldn’t have been beating myself up for my “failures” to fit in and achieve in areas where I wasn’t gifted, whilst ignoring the areas where I was gifted. I am really happy that you and other young people, armed with knowledge, will have a much better chance of playing the game without burnout — and of actually playing your own game, not that imposed by others.
Jul 04, 2011 @ 06:21:57
I’d never heard of Midlife Autistic Burnout before reading your post, but i instantly realised i have experienced that too – around about 1997/98, when i was leaving a highly toxic relationship (my last), but also realizing that i was emotionally burned out, not just from the relationship, but becos a phase of my life was at an end, that i’d gone as far as i could living my life the way i had. I actually felt at one stage that i might soon die, as my life energies felt at such a low ebb, i thought my body might manifest cancer or something.
I turned to a spiritual (NOT religious) path, learning to meditate etc, that was my way out. I don’t know how others cope, but i can testify it is very real, this burnout.
Incidentally, i was fascinated too that you mention The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, this was my ‘bible’ too for a long time, i only stopped doing the Morning Pages becos it was too much to do before breakfast when i was meditating as well, and that meditation, if done well, can be as ‘clearing’ as the Pages. I still write Pages occasionally, usually at night tho. Interesting tho, as i’ve not come across another aspie who even knows the book!
And thanks for the nice comments about my blog! I like yours too!
Jul 04, 2011 @ 10:27:48
I know that book! Both my roommate and I are in theater; I haven’t read it but she’s got it sitting around the apartment, and writes her morning pages every day.
Jul 04, 2011 @ 22:33:29
Hi chavisory, I enjoyed, and still enjoy, the book. It’s a twelve-week course full of exercises to inspire and free up creativity. I like the weekly Artist’s Date where one takes oneself out (alone) to explore and have fun (i.e. be a kid again!). And the Morning Pages became a “necessity” for me, I find them so helpful.
Jul 04, 2011 @ 22:22:00
Hi kiwigirl, I’m glad to hear you like the blog. I’ve been back to yours and look forward to reading more.
I am not sure if there is any scientific/medical recognition of Midlife Autistic Burnout (MAB) but there do seem to be several people in this Aspie/autie blogging community who have experienced this phenomenon. I suspect it may be a result of years of accumulated stress caused by trying so hard to fit in whilst not realizing there is a reason for not fitting in. Today people are more knowledgeable about Asperger’s/autism and will be better able to adjust their lives to reduce the accumulated stress, so they will probably avoid the crash of MAB. I sure hope so.
I find meditation very helpful too. I mind my breath or say a mantra or recite the Jesus Prayer. It is a good way to slow down the endless thought loops. And Morning Pages get the loops out of my head and onto the paper. Those loops are hard taskmasters, trying to drive me every which way
Jul 02, 2011 @ 17:57:33
I often have a lot of intentions that I’m slow to act on. Like backing up my computer’s data, which I’m only now just doing despite owning my current computer for 3 years, and despite having had a previous bad and very expensive experience with having a hard drive fail without my stuff backed up. (BAD stage manager.) I don’t know if anyone else finds this to be true, but I often find comfort, insight, and a way forward in finding an analog to my behavior or feelings in the world of computers or physics. (Was that the most stereotypically aspie thing I’ve ever said?) For instance, I suspect that difficulty starting things or carrying out good intentions is actually related to our resistance to transitions. In the physics world, the closest analog is the principle of inertia/momentum. Things at rest want to stay at rest; things in motion want to stay in motion. Add to that that we have more anxiety about the unknown than most people. But understanding the principles involved makes it easier for me to take the tiniest first steps, and doing that builds momentum, and once I’m on a roll of getting stuff done, it’s easier to keep it up, and so on and so forth….
Jul 03, 2011 @ 04:57:06
I like the inertia/momentum principle idea – I often think of that myself, and try to overcome the inertia by taking small steps – just to get the momentum going. It does work sometimes. And it helps if I can focus on one thing – interruptions of any kind tends to bring me to a standstill again too easily.
Jul 03, 2011 @ 14:12:33
I found my experiment in just setting one tiny goal of clearing a specific area of paper clutter was a most rewarding experience. The optimism generated seems to have carried forward and I am more hopeful about eventually getting it all cleared out. The momentum does seem to hold.
I know what you mean about “interruptions.” Yesterday evening I had intended to comment on some of the many blogs on which I am way behind, and yet when my wife asked if I would like to watch a DVD I agreed to do that (but spending time with my wife in a shared interest is one of my “goals,” just not the one I had set for that particular moment!).
Jul 03, 2011 @ 14:03:44
Good analogy, chavisory. I have experienced that too. If I can just overcome the inertia it is easier to keep going. And I think part of the difficulty in overcoming the inertia is fear of the unknown. It seems safer to stay stuck here in the known than to venture forth. But in my best moments I do take the risk
Jul 04, 2011 @ 22:52:21
Have you been exploring my head lately, Bruce? This post and all of its comments ring very true for me. I have spent much of my life thus far intending to do things. I intend to write letters, mail cards, make beautiful paintings, do something crafty – that last one has me finding very odd little bits of things in boxes that I have saved for future “projects” – (“But I can USE this piece of string!”) It’s making sorting through my belongings very…interesting.
I’m so happy that you have been successful at breaking down cringe-worthy tasks into manageable ones. I have been doing the same lately, also with great success. And I agree with chavisory’s inertia/momentum analogy: sometimes getting started really is the hardest part. I often find myself not knowing where to start, so setting small, specific, and quantifiable goals is a necessity. That’s one of the things my psychologist has been helping me with lately, as it certainly doesn’t come naturally to me.
As for Midlife Autistic Burnout, I had my first one at age 12. Then 13. Then 14 to nearly 17, and so on, getting progressively more intense and longer in duration as I got older. Perhaps this is an issue of being a bit further down the spectrum (if that’s even an accurate way to describe it, which is of course up for debate and the subject of many a thoughtful discussion), but perhaps it’s just me and/or other circumstances not related to autism. It’s an incredibly real thing though. The mind and body can only take so much stress and pressure, and can only exert so much energy, before they must – MUST – have a rest. And I think folks on the autism spectrum need a lot more rest than a lot of others, which makes sense considering it takes more energy for us to do most things.
I also agree with Sue’s observation that many people on the spectrum alternate between being super-productive and barely productive. Just thinking about it now, I have come up with three (out of probably many) possibilities, the first being that we may resent our periods of low productivity and feel the need to make up for them (for our own benefit or for the perceived benefit of others) by throwing ourselves into super-productive mode. The second is that we are simply not aware of our limits, if and when those limits change, and what factors affect those limits. The third is someone but not entirely related to the second. I, and it seems others, tend to get very excited about certain things. We sometimes (aw heck, often) focus on one thing to the exclusion of others, and I don’t think this tendency is restricted to traditional “special interests.” Our excitement or the novelty of what we intend to do might keep us going for a while, but nobody – autistic or not – can function beyond their limits indefinitely. With the stress you are experiencing now, Sue, or even just having extra things to do, regardless of whether they are considered stressful or not, it’s no wonder you are not getting everything else done. I hope you, and all of us, can be compassionate with ourselves based on that understanding.
Jul 05, 2011 @ 17:23:32
Ah yes, the sense of how did they get inside my head that we get in Aspie/autie Bloggyland! So many times I have wondered how a blogger could know me from the inside. I am so glad we are all blogging because it is the first time I have felt part of a group, rather than being the odd-man-out.
I have saved so much stuff for future projects, and I find it difficult to part with things as I see potential in almost everything for some future creative endeavour.
It is good to have that feeling of success. A bunch of little successes adds up to a big one! I am much more optimistic about getting my life under control than I was previous to that tiny success of clearing papers from one side of my desk.
Oh yes, I am learning that rest is essential to recuperate from sensory and cognitive overload of venturing forth in this society as it is presently set-up (that is to not accommodate Aspie/auties). And now that you mention it, from about fifteen years of age to twenty-one years, apart from a couple of one-on-one friendships, I was essentially a social recluse. Perhaps I knew I needed rest, or perhaps I was in an MAB even then just like you. Then I had a bit of an improvement, but still preferring one-on-one, until about forty when I started going downhill fast into a diagnosis of burnout/CFS.
And as to the alternation between super-productive and barely productive, well there was a time, thirty-four years ago, when I designed and built my own house. That was pretty productive. But it was a special interest of mine (I live in Canada, eh? and we get SNOW. So I had a real interest in getting a house
). I did hold down jobs, usually for only one to three years, but once for six years. And at the end of those six years I had to go on LTD benefits for seventeen years until I reached retirement age.
But even now I find it so much easier to “do” an interest of mine, and so easy to get distracted from “chores” by a special interest. So if I’m keen on something I can be energized, and if I’m not keen I get bogged down and distracted. I can still crash though from overdoing an interest.
Practising self-compassion, or being kind to myself, is something that has been growing since I discovered these Aspie/autie blogs. It goes a long way to helping me feel better about myself, and also more compassionate towards others, more accepting of the fact that we are all doing what we can do with what we’ve been given.
Good for you, the way you acted on your intention to come back and comment! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!