Engaging in Relationships or Encounters
14 Nov 2011 27 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, relationships, Social Anxiety
- “People Socializing at the Theatre” via Wikipedia
I tend to undervalue or devalue my contribution to relationships or social encounters. When I have shared my doubts about my worth, people have often reassured me that I am indeed appreciated. Yet I find this difficult to accept, in spite of the many times I have heard this.
Stopped bothering:
It reached the point (several decades ago) where I usually don’t even bother to attempt to join in, because I believe I have nothing to contribute, or the effort would be too great for the reward, or the probability of failure is too high. I suspect this has its origin in my childhood when I had trouble fitting in, or trouble expressing my thoughts, or adults judged me as in some way inadequate. I also remember concluding from my own observations, that I was simply not like the majority in my interests and in my reactions to events. And the majority often didn’t appreciate or understand my views. So I stopped bothering to express my views.
Fear of rejection:
I also fear rejection, and so I avoid the risk of engaging. My anxiety levels are often very high when faced with a social encounter. So I tend to shy away from exposure. And I tend to dislike and avoid change, so I seldom venture anything new in my relationships. I know this is not a pathway to growth, but rather stagnation, and so I am trying to engage more. But even on the internet I feel social anxiety. I was glad to see that I am not alone in this. A recent post on Alicia’s Moonlit Lily mentioned (near the end) that social anxiety applies to the internet as well. Yes it does!
More accepting of myself:
I do find some hope in the fact that, since I discovered that I am most probably Aspie/autie, I have been more accepting of myself as I am. This is because I view my Asperger’s/autism as largely not my doing. It is simply the way I was made. I no longer view my “failures” in the social realm as totally my fault. And so I am a little more willing to put myself out there just as I am, without judging myself so harshly. This new and growing sense of being more acceptable to myself, has taken away some of the stress from relationships and brief encounters. I find I am not blaming myself for my shortcomings quite as much as I did before.
Rejecting the old tapes:
I am less influenced by the old tapes playing in my head that demand that I be more sociable and get out there and meet people. And I am becoming more tolerant of my “shortcomings,” such as having limits as to time and energy with which to engage, needing time alone to recuperate, not getting all the non-verbal flow of the interactions, needing longer to process and formulate an appropriate response, and freezing or getting tongue-tied or stuck for words when suddenly asked a question.
The setbacks still hurt:
And of course there are setbacks too, and I still have a tendency to engage in “sudden jerking of arms and yelling” over my “failures.” The emotional pain from missing the meaning or purpose of an encounter can be enormous. I can feel so sad when I botch yet another encounter by misinterpreting the other person’s intent, or not expressing myself clearly enough to be understood. It is always tempting to just fall back into hermit mode, where I have spent so much of my last twenty years.
Making the effort:
But with greater acceptance of the way I am designed, my participation in relationships, or new encounters, has grown slightly. Each little success encourages me to keep trying to engage more (in some incremental way). By “success” I don’t mean a lengthy, dynamic, extroverted conversation, but some minor improvement over my last effort. The small successes do give me some hope to carry on. And the rewards of engaging make sure that I will continue to put forth the effort.
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Autistics Speaking Day
01 Nov 2011 4 Comments
in acceptance, Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: acceptance, Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism
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I started this day oblivious to the fact that it is now November first. I am usually behind the calendar in my thinking. The first thing I read today was Alicia’s absolutely beautiful post on her blog, Moonlit Lily, which you can read here. I can’t say anything better so I won’t even try!
Blessings,
Bruce
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Eye Contact in Asperger’s, Autism: my first Aspie video!
06 Oct 2011 8 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, eye contact Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, eye contact
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This is my first Aspie video: Eye contact in Asperger’s, Autism. #1 by Bruce.
If you like, you may watch it below in this post, or on YouTube, or on my YouTube channel. It lasts 9 min, 38 sec.
I’d love to have your comments on eye contact in general, and your experience with it.
Also, if you have time to view the video, I’d love to have your impression of what I say in it. Does it resonate? Can you relate? So, if you have time, please comment here or on YouTube (or both ). Thanks
Unable to comment on blogs.
04 Oct 2011 10 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, blogging Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, blogging, blogs
I am unable to comment on blogs. When I click on “Post Comment” my comment simply disappears without trace. I am looking for a solution and hope to be able to comment again soon.
I sent the following request for help to WordPress Support on October 4, 2011 at 2:01 pm:
Hello WordPress support person,
When commenting on another blog, my comments disappear when I click on “Post Comment.”
At first this was happening only on Blogger/Blogspot blogs but not WordPress.
Now it is happening on WordPress blogs as well.
It even happened to me when I was replying to a comment on *my own* WP blog. I eventually found my reply in my Spam folder and was able to move it to the comment under my post.
When I type my comment in the box, it looks perfectly normal. Then I click the “Post Comment” button and Poof! the comment vanishes out of sight.
I am not aware of having made any changes to any settings on my computer.
I did open a google account so I could open a YouTube account, but I don’t see how this should interfere with commenting on blogs.
Thanks for your help with this.
Bruce
Hopefully I’ll be back in action soon. Thanks for reading my blog.
Just a Passing Burnout?
01 Oct 2011 17 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, burnout, masks, social conditioning Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, authenticity, burnout, gratefulness
Learned skills for passing as “normal.”
- Bruce, why can’t you be like us?
I have seen a couple of people (in videos) who have become very good at “acting normal” or “passing.” They do this by practicing learned skills; skills they have learned through careful observations, or through coaching, or life-lessons. I admire their skills and wish them success, but I wonder if they may be vulnerable to a crash or burnout.
Empty but for Programs.
I was struck by how one such person seemed to me to be wooden or hollow inside. It seemed as though the real person had vacated, and all that was left were the programs for fitting in. A high price to pay, I would say. Where did the real person go?
Stress and Strain.
If the underlying biology of the brain isn’t altered by the social conditioning and programming that enables the “passing,” then I would imagine that succeeding at passing must take an enormous amount of energy. I know it did for me, even though I seldom “succeeded” very well. My brain processes incoming social information much slower than normal. I have always found it very hard to fake a normal tempo of interaction. My life-long attempts at “passing” required me to push myself beyond my limitations. The accumulated stress precipitated a crash.
Since discovering my Aspieness in August/September 2010, I have learned to pace my social interactions, and take breaks, use earplugs, use sunglasses even indoors at times, and simply be more accepting of myself and more kind to myself.
We are Vulnerable.
I am concerned that, under sufficient stress, even the most skilled and proficient “passer” is vulnerable to a crash back into their Aspieness/autism. My guess is that learned skills may counteract Aspieness/autism in some routine situations, but they do not erase the Aspieness/autism. Therefore sufficient pressure, say in a crisis or a prolonged social engagement, may cause a regression to previous levels of performance. This may cause the “passer” to be very discouraged with themselves if they believe that they had mastered passing, or if they believe that “passing” is crucial.
The Strain of “Passing.”
I am worried that the strain of a life-time of passing may lead to a burnout or major crash in mid-life or later. I had a major crash or burnout in my late forties which was eventually diagnosed as CFS/ME when it was clear I wasn’t recovering from the burnout. For the past eighteen years the medical profession, has considered me “totally disabled,” meaning unable to work at all. But now I’m wondering if it may have been a Midlife Autistic Burnout, or both MAB and CFS/ME. Perhaps one made me more vulnerable to the other.
Just a “passing” burnout?
Was it just a “passing” burnout that I had? It certainly hasn’t gone away as a true burnout should have by now, so I am still considering myself to have CFS/ME which may have interacted with, and been exacerbated by, MAB.
I had no idea as to why I struggled.
I only discovered my probable Aspieness at 65 years of age, so all my prior attempts at “passing” were done without having a clue as to why I struggled so much to fit in. I struggled with bright lights, loud sounds, keeping up with conversations and filtering multiple conversations in group settings. And I did this without giving myself permission to take guilt-free breaks to regenerate. I drove myself very hard, and was very disappointed by my “failures” at fitting in. Little did I know that I was missing most of the non-verbal side of conversations, and this made the task of fitting in so much harder — essentially impossible.
Pacing while passing.
I think the ability to pass may have upper limits of intensity or duration. So I would encourage skilled “passers” to pace themselves, schedule breaks and recuperation times, and not be too demanding of themselves.
It is my hope that young people, who know about their “differences” and “needs,” will fare much better than I did. I didn’t realize that there was a reason that I should be taking breaks and being selective as to where, and how much, I should attempt socializing. In my ignorance of my Aspieness I just kept pushing myself to fit in, and then I crashed. So be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself!
Prayer request for Nina
28 Sep 2011 4 Comments
in prayer request Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Gullain-Barre Syndrome, ME, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, POTS
Hello Friends!
I have just started a YouTube channel as a result of seeing a young woman on YouTube request prayer for her health. By having a YouTube channel I can let her know that I am praying for her through a comment or message. Otherwise I don’t know how to reach her. I happened upon her YouTube channel by “accident” because I was watching a video on “invisible illnesses” such as Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, etc.. One of the suggested videos on that page was by Nina and it was about Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) which can make one faint. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and sometimes feel I am passing out from bradycardia, which is also an autonomic dysfunction, so I clicked on Nina’s video and from there I went to her channnel, AmazingGrace160. You can watch her videos here.
Nina is a very courageous person who has persevered in her trials with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and very severe chronic Guillain-Barré Syndrome. At the time of writing I believe she is in the Intensive Care Unit undergoing plasmapheresis. She has requested prayer for herself and her family.
So if you pray, will you please pray for Nina and her family? And if you send love, will you please send love to them? And if you hold people in your heart, will you please hold Nina and her family? Thank you very much.
Here, thanks to Nina, is my very first (and perhaps only) YouTube video (I don’t know how they picked the still photo of me, I wish I could change it! ).
Thoughts on “gifts” and “deficits.”
26 Sep 2011 6 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, autism, gratefulness, gratitude, hope
In a previous post, I assert that I am learning to celebrate my life just as it is, including the very real possibility of Asperger’s/autism. I know there are people who might find this view puzzling, or perhaps even offensive. And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I recognize there is a spectrum and what works for me isn’t necessarily for all.
But I am learning to celebrate my Aspie/autie characteristics as my awareness grows, and I value my fellow Aspie/auties so very much, and think we really ought to be celebrating ourselves, regardless of our “accomplishments” or lack thereof. And so, after a life of stifling myself, I shall celebrate.
I know that any gifts I might have are none of my own doing, and I am learning that my deficits also aren’t my doing either. Therefore there is nothing for me to boast about, nor is there anything for me to be ashamed about. I know there are many people whose accomplishments far exceed mine, and many who struggle much more than I do.
My accomplishments are by grace, and my struggles are by grace as well. The gifts help me show love to others, and the struggles teach me compassion and help me grow in love for others.
But it is not about comparisons. It is not about accomplishments. It is about accepting ourselves just as we are and loving ourselves, and being kind to ourselves. And treating others the same way.
And if there is something we would like to change, we can love ourselves for seeing that, and love ourselves for wanting to make the change, and for taking the first steps no matter if they falter.
And we can all feel blessed, and grateful, in every phase of our whole life’s journey.
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Just as a reminder to myself (I do need reminders!), here is an excerpt from a post I did back in November 2010:
I awoke this morning. Not everyone did.
I was given the gift of life for a new day. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. There is nothing that can be done. It is always a gift.
Life itself is a pure gift.
I wake up to discover that I am still breathing, still pulsing. Someday I won’t.
I wake up to discover that I can see, hear, get up! Someday I won’t.
Each and every moment is a gift. Every breath is a gift. My breathing just happens. Same with my pulse. My heart beats without direction from me.
If I am looking for something to be thankful for, I need look no farther than my breath and my pulse.
I did not build this body/mind which I call mine. Nor do I know how to keep it going. I am the beneficiary of something or someone far greater than I.
I will live with joy in this body of mine, and experience these many good gifts for what they really are: pure gifts.
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And so I am grateful!
Thank you for reading.
Blessings to you my friends.
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Starting Fresh! – Further thoughts.
21 Sep 2011 8 Comments
in Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, autism Tags: Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, autism, Brain Fog, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, fear of failure, memory problems
On further reflection, I realize there are additional reasons for my difficulties keeping up with blogging this past summer. I do have problems with perfectionism, fears of rejection or abandonment, performance anxieties, and fear of failure. The reasons for these hindrances are many, and I may explore them in future posts. But for now, I just want to add them to the previous post.
So why was I able to keep up with blogging in the fall of 2010? Well, I think there are two main reasons.
The first is that there were far fewer blogs in the corner of bloggyland where I hang out. So it was easier for me to read and comment on the posts of fewer blogging friends. I am glad so many more people have come to my attention, but my slow reading and slow thinking makes it harder to comment on each post. My perfectionism sometimes drives me to feel that if I can’t adequately comment, I might as well not comment at all. Often I have worked on comments for a couple of hours, only to abandon them before posting them.
The second main reason is that I did little else but blog. So many things that I ought to have done were left undone. Most of the rest of my life fell by the wayside. This past spring and summer I have been trying to engage the rest of my life a bit more. And that engagement comes with a price.
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), so the smallest amount of near normal activity can leave me exhausted. This is what they call “post-exertional malaise,” and it can actually last for days (or even weeks if one is too ambitious). At the end of a day, when I am exhausted, it is so much easier to escape into viewing YouTube videos than it is to engage my brain and attempt to write. CFS often comes with “brain fog,” or cognitive and memory difficulties, so engaging the mind on a mental task can be tiring if not impossible at the end of the day. Of course this phenomenon will be familiar to many people on the Spectrum as well. As many autistics know, engaging socially, or dealing with sensory issues, can be extremely draining. This is why I still can’t decide if I have CFS, Midlife Autistic Burnout (MAB), or both.
But I am determined to carry on to the best of my abilities. I found a great encouragement in a comment made by Cecile of Gnus, wombats and ducks on Emily’s Thoughty Autie blog. Cecile said, in part,
I have decided to blog despite my inability to regularly post or reply or do the round of other blogs. That is just too hard for me, and people will have to accept that – I can’t pretend to be more organised than I am. And I know from experience that if I try to put pressure on myself to read and reply, my mind will go blank anyway.
Cecile’s words of wisdom really spoke to me. They reminded me that I have been setting a standard of performance for myself that is quite unreasonable given my perpetual disorganization, fatigue, anxieties, and failure to follow through with my good intentions.
Failure to read and comment on every post on everyone’s blog has often left me so discouraged that I fail to post on my own blog. I have often felt guilt at the thought of posting on my own blog when I have yet to comment on other’s blogs. And so I have been stuck or frozen in my efforts.
Cecile’s comment made me realize that I must accept myself for who I am, and cease making unrealistic demands upon myself. Like almost every undiagnosed autistic, I have had enough unrealistic demands placed upon me in the course my life. It is time I stopped doing that to myself.
So here I am — a mediocre blogger, and accepting of that fact!
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